I Watched (Nearly) Every Post Super Bowl Show Part III: The 1990’s!

Hello!  This is Part 3 of my series on the chronological history of the Super Bowl lead-out program.  If you missed Part 1, covering the 60’s and 70’s, or Part 2, working through the 80’s, well, check those out first!  Or don’t!  Who am I to tell you how to spend your time?

The 1990’s were a time of change for ancillary aspects of the Super Bowl broadcast.

Take the halftime show.  The final ten years of the 20th century began with the mid-game programming still stuck in the 70’s and 80’s, content with doing Disney-related tributes and showcasing Dorothy Hammill and Brian Boitano.  By 193, the NFL finally had enough and brought out the big guns with Michael Jackson.  It took a couple of years for the new paradigm of “take the biggest music star in the world and let them do a 15-minute concert” to hold, but once it did, the halftime show never looked back, and doesn’t look likely that it ever will.

So it went with the post-Super Bowl programming.  The 90’s began with the same bevy of pilots or early episodes of fledgling sitcoms, with the hopes that something will catch the long-term attention of a massive audience.  By 1996, one network (NBC) said “fuck it” and just aired a star-studded episode of its biggest show (“Friends”).  The game changed for a long time, although it should be noted that, unlike the halftime show, it didn’t change forever!  

But that’s a different article.  For now, let’s close out the millennium with a look back at the 13 shows that closed out the Super Bowl in the 1990’s.

SUPER BOWL XXIV

Show: “Grand Slam”

Episode: “Pilot” (Season 1, Episode 1)

Network: CBS

Aired: January 28, 1990

We kick off the 90’s with yet another feature length pilot to a show that never even made it to a double-digit episode count!  This time, John Schneider and Paul Rodriguez star as a pair of bounty hunters who must work together to bring home a million-dollar bond.  Dennis Bakelenoff (Schneider) has a gimmick of sorts; he’s an ex-ball player who hasn’t lost his arm, hence his nickname “Hardball”.  Pedro Gomez (Rodriguez) also has a gimmick of sorts; he is Mexican, hence the constant needle drops of “Low Rider”.

(Speaking of the nickname “Hardball”...you’d think his nickname would be “Grand Slam” in order to justify the title, which otherwise only gets stated in passing at the beginning and end of the pilot.  Then again, I’m not paid to make these kinds of decisions.)

Gotta admit, I kinda had fun with this.  It’s entertaining in a boneheaded kind of way.  All the kind of “culture clash” stuff you’d imagine is here: a big centerpiece scene involves both Schenider and Rodriguez pounding on hot peppers as a way to metaphorically measure their dicks.  I also feel like the main villain is really obnoxious, and I think he at one point threatens a woman by saying “I will kill you in your body?  But I feel like “Grand Slam” would make for an okay “bad movie” night watch, maybe as a way to kick off the evening.  America didn’t appear to agree; the last episode aired on March 14, 1990, and that was that.  Uh, this grand slam turned out to be….(googles “baseball terms”...no I didn’t mean to write “baseball teams”....scrolling, scrolling)...this grand slam turned out to be a foul ball!

SUPER BOWL XXV

Show: “Davis Rules”

Episode: “A Man For All Reasons” (Season 1, Episode 1)

Network: ABC

Aired: January 27, 1991

On the surface, there’s nothing really objectionable about this early-90’s sitcom about a well-meaning science teacher who ends up as the principal of the school his kids attend (oh, the embarrassment!).  Yeah, the thing that sticks out the most about it is the fact that it’s anchored by Randy Quaid, but you have to remember we didn’t know he was insane in the 80’s and 90’s.  “Davis Rules” lands right in between his surprisingly successful one-year run on “Saturday Night Live” in 1986 and his extremely well-known role in 1996’s INDEPENDENCE DAY; he was pretty well regarded!  Pair him with Johnathan Winters as his nutty dad, Debra Jo Rupp as a fellow teacher and a bunch of kid actors, and this seems like a fairly representative, easy breezy sitcom for its time.

And it may be.  But…I dunno, the whole episode has some sort of weird, possibly evil, energy to it.  Audience reactions come just a beat or two later than you may be expecting (there’s a delayed “awww” sound within the first minute or so).  Winters’ comedic rants have a stroke victim-esque “stream of consciousness” feel.  There’s a very strange moment where Quaid starts walking around the school, talking to himself about how alone he is.  It has the same aesthetic and timing as one of those Kyle Mooney sitcom parody pretapes he and Beck Bennett used to do on SNL, only with the supposed punchlines or comedic turns snipped out.  

Oh, yeah, I guess that’s the bigger issue.  The pilot of “Davis Rules” isn’t all that funny.  Clearly, there must have been something to it to somebody, because this astoundingly lasted for two seasons, for a total of 29 episodes, making this one of the more successful post-Super Bowl pilots up to this point (clearing the combined episode counts for “The Last Precinct”, “Hard Copy” and “Grand Slam” combined).  Maybe people just really liked the jaunty Mark Mothersbaugh-penned theme.  I know I did.

SUPER BOWL XXVI

Show: “60 Minutes”

Network: CBS

Aired: January 26, 1992

Oh, goody, we get to talk about the Clintons!  Maybe later on, we can discuss a topic slightly less divisive and incendiary, like abortion.

This brief, relatively last minute, segment of “60 Minutes” is probably one of the more famous post-Super Bowl episodes of all time.  As a reminder, let’s rewind back to the original Bill Clinton sex scandal, the Gennifer Flowers affair.  See, back in the day, credible accusations of an extra-marital affair used to be enough to seriously jeopardize a presidential campaign*.  It’s difficult to remember now, but the only reason Bill and Hillary were even doing a “60 Minutes” interview is because they were fighting for their lives.  

*Obviously, I’m taking a shot at current times here, although, in 1992, the president campaigning in question still won two terms, during which he extra-maritally affaired again, so my snarky little comparison doesn’t really work.  Yeah, but still.

I’ll just be straight-up; this is a fascinating fifteen minutes of television.  It serves as a microcosm of everything there is to both love and hate about Bill Clinton.  Let the historical record show that he is phenomenally full of shit here, maybe the most full of shit anybody has ever been; six years later, Clinton would admit under oath that he had a sexual affair with Flowers.  There’s an almost sociopathic ability on display during the “60 Minutes” interview, to blatantly be spinning out every single one of Steve Kroft’s fairly valid questions, every word so obviously calculated to deflect.

And yet.  The thing about Bill is that he’s really fucking good at this sort of thing.  If you’re able to go limp a little bit and put yourself in “1992-mode” (aka ignoring the next thirty years to come), you can’t help but walk away from the segment agreeing with the Clinton camp’s seeming philosophy of “why are you bothering us with this?  Nobody cares about this.”  By the time Kroft quotes a CBS News poll stating 14% of potential voters would not support a candidate who has had an affair, and Clinton responds by stating, in essence, that meant 86% didn’t care, you can feel a star being born.  You genuinely feel like Clinton has been on the level with you, even though when you look back at the transcript, he hasn’t actually fucking said anything at all.

Oh, and then there’s Hillary, the breakout star of this whole thing.  I won’t go on too much about her, since I don’t want anybody trying to slit my throat, but it’s undeniable that the line of the night was, and remains, “I’m not sitting here [as] some little woman standing by my man like Tammy Wynette”. It was an instant classic even before “American Crime Story: Impeachment” put the moment briefly back in the mainstream a couple of years ago.  I think it’s because Hillary says it with a Southern accent that she had never had before or since.  It’s a moment many in their circle have regretted since; Hillary was never really able to redefine herself again.  The reason as to why coming off slightly contradictory and phony lifted Bill but sunk Hillary, I’ll leave you to decide.  

The good news is, we don’t have to discuss politics in this space ever again, unless Donald Trump was on an episode of “Survivor” that I’m not remembering.

Show: “48 Hours”

Network: CBS

Aired: January 26, 1992

Oh, yeah, technically, newsmagazine “48 Hours” was the real lead-out program for Super Bowl XXVI.  But, like, nobody cares, you know?  It’s not a particularly well-documented episode; I wasn’t expecting to find a copy of it online or anything, but I couldn’t even really find a reliable synopsis as to what was covered that night.  In order to provide you something here, I’ll leave you with this: the inspiration for “48 Hours” was a 1986 CBS News documentary named “48 Hours on Crack Street”, which is the most hilariously “80’s News” title I’ve ever heard.

Moving on!

SUPER BOWL XXVII

Show: “Homicide: Life on the Street”

Episode: “Gone for Goode” (Season 1, Episode 1)

Network: NBC

Aired: January 31, 1993

After watching a lot of pilots that were mostly shitty the past couple of weeks, downing the initial “Homicide: Life on the Street” hour was an indescribable feeling.  It was like having a perfect piece of medium-rare steak after gargling only razor blades for the past five years.

First of all, I could just list the cast and my job would be done here.  Melissa Leo.  Jon Polito.  Richard Belzer.  Yaphet Kotto.  Ned Beatty. The late Andre fucking Braugher.  Everyone here is an inherently interesting presence, with a lifetime of acting experience between them.  It’s a murderer’s row of talent, one that I don’t believe is rivaled before or since by any post-Super Bowl show I’ve gotten to dip into during this project.

Marry that with one of the more propulsive and engaging scripts we’ve had after the Super Bowl up to this point, and you have a really exciting hour of television.  The actual nuts and bolts of it are things you’ve seen before in countless cop shows: a tense interrogation, fights amongst personnel, and a rookie being shown the ropes.  But it’s the dialogue, the way everybody seems to talk, that’s so compelling.  Crosetti’s low-level conspiracy thinking that leads to discussions about how much trust to put into institutions.  Pembleton’s amazing ability to speak in prose, even when he’s screaming at someone to get off his back.  Felton’s gravelly, disbelieving, ground level grumbling.  

Oh, and then there’s John Munch, maybe the most significant television characters of all time if you’re a psycho like me (he famously would go on to become the only fictional character to appear in ten different series, a lot of that facilitated by “Homicide” would go on to get folded into the gigantic “Law & Order” universe/continuity).  Belzer passed away in 2023, but Munch will live on forever.  This all served as a good reminder for me to finally go through this show, one of the most critically acclaimed shows of the past thirty years that has only recently been put on streaming after years of music rights making that look unlikely.  There are good things in this life!

SUPER BOWL XXVIII

Show: “The John Larroquette Show”

Episode: “Eggs” (Season 1, Episode 17)

Network: NBC

Aired: January 30, 1994

This was a rare back-to-back for NBC, having broadcast the Super Bowl in 1993 as well.  Thanks to some broadcasting rights wonkiness, they would eventually broadcast the Super Bowl twice more before the decade was done.  Perhaps feeling like they were playing with house money, NBC decided this time around to eschew airing yet another pilot after the game and instead programmed a double-billing of two sitcoms that were already on the air.

First up, “The John Larroquette Show!”

John Larroquette is one of those guys who I’ve always liked as just a comedic personality who hangs around, as opposed to a specific show or role (I was too young to catch “Night Court”!)  I hadn’t ever seen an episode of his self-titled sitcom, although I was eager to get to this episode in order to get an idea of it.

It’s not bad!  It has more of an edge to it than I would have expected from a 90’s NBC comedy.  First of all, it takes place in a seedy bus terminal in St. Louis.  Second of all, John Hemingway (Larroquette) is an actively recovering alcoholic; the opening theme makes that part perfectly clear.  Third, there’s quite a bit of racial comedy inherent to its nature, with John and Dexter (Daryl “Chill” Mitchell) constantly throwing around barbs about each other’s worldviews and perspectives.  It makes a lot out of John presuming things about what Dexter likes just because he’s black.  The show manages to make all of this sound like guys just talking (or at least, the sitcom version of “guys just talking”), instead of a program Trying To Have A Comedic Discussion.

Like the episode of “Davis Rules” we just reviewed, “Eggs” can be strange.  There’s a long stretch devoted to Chi McBride singing a lullaby to an abandoned baby, with no real attempt to play it for laughs.  They do revise Chi singing during the credits and that is suddenly played for laughs, as he seems to throw the baby across the room, so deep in the throes of the melody is he.  Thank god, though, the baby is thrown back to him in a flourish.  Oh yeah, and before that, a skittish and anxious cop tries to kidnap the baby.  So, I would say there’s a lot going on in this twenty or so minutes.

Show: “The Good Life”

Episode: “The Statue”

Network: NBC

Aired: January 30, 1994

First of all, the Wikipedia is once again wrong on what episode aired here.  It claims the pilot was broadcast after Super Bowl XXXII, but TV Guide listings at the time confirm it was actually the fifth episode, “The Statue”.  In your face, Wikipedia!

“The Good Life” is a fairly difficult show to Google; there’s a much more famous UK show with the same title that seemingly has the SEO on lock.  It’s also not a well-documented program in any way, possibly because it also lasted thirteen episodes.  Luckily, the star of this sitcom, John Caponera, has uploaded a pair of “Good Life” episodes onto his YouTube channel, one of which was “The Statue”.  Thank you, John!

I actually thought this was pretty solid.  Based on just this episode, “The Good Life” doesn’t appear to be a genre-shifting masterpiece or anything; it lives off of all the familiar tropes we’ve come to know.  John works at a factory with his best friend (Drew Carey) and gets into all kinds of wacky, misunderstanding-laden, situations.  This episode revolves around the done-to-death “having dinner at the boss’ house” plotline.  The central conflict surrounding a broken-off penis of the titular statue adds some shocking ribaldry, but to describe it, it’s nothing you’ve never seen before.

But…I dunno, it’s funny and well-constructed!  The conflicts escalate and intersect at the perfect times, the jokes land, the performances are all comfortable, the characters are perfectly defined.  I don’t have a lot of negative feedback to provide here.  Carey especially seemed to have found himself in a great spot.  He nails the aloof, sarcastic sidekick role, and is able to imbue Drew (love a show where everyone’s characters is just their first name) with that signature Drew voice and style.  It’s not surprising that he was able to leverage “The Good Life” into his own titular sitcom the next calendar year.

“The Good Life” was the first one of these “a few episodes, then tossed in the garbage disposal” shows I’ve come across during this project where I was genuinely surprised it didn’t last longer.  Camponera has stated an imposed hiatus to make room for Winter Olympics coverage crippled any momentum the show might have enjoyed after this week, and that sounds as good a reason as any to me.  NBC wouldn’t go on to sweat it too much; their breakout season was just around the corner.

SUPER BOWL XXIX

Show: “Extreme”

Episode: “Pilot” (Season 1, Episode 1)

Aired: January 29, 1995

Network: ABC

For the longest time, this entry represented my biggest heartbreak.  This show, called “Extreme” was about a Rocky Mountain search-and-rescue team, starred James Brolin, got cancelled after seven episodes, and was called “Extreme”.  It was also monumental in the history of the post-Super bowl show, as it sucked so bad that it forced everyone to stop using the slot for doomed pilots*.  Oh, and it was called “Extreme”.  How could I not get my hands on this?  But it was available essentially nowhere, and I was forced to have to lick my wound and wonder what could have been.

*At least, allegedly.  This part of the Wikipedia entry got slapped with the dreaded “[citation needed]”. 

Then, out of nowhere, someone uploaded the entire series onto YouTube as one long five-hour video.  Stuff like this is why I haven’t quite ruled out the existence of a higher power.

After watching the “Extreme” pilot, I haven’t ruled out the non-existence of a higher power, either.  I found it to be a pretty brutal watch, and I don’t think I’m bringing in any outside biases on this.  I genuinely wanted to…not like it, per se, but I came prepared to let the stupidity promised by its premise wash over me.  Frankly, my one note for the “Extreme” pilot is that it could have been stupider.  You get some gnar-rushing absurdity here and there; there’s a great moment about halfway through where two skiiers are racing each other down the slope, some mid-90’s alt-song you almost recognize scoring the entire thing, only for the song to cut out when disaster strikes.  The disaster?  One of the guys falls.  And falls.  And falls.  Cut to reaction shot from his friend.  Cut to more falling.  Extreme!

Unfortunately, I get the sense “Extreme” wants to be a real show.  The production values were higher than I could have expected; admittedly, many of the mountain rescue scenes look pretty stunning for a 1995 ABC show.  I’m guessing this meant the show was expensive, so I’m further guessing there was a desire for some prestige to this.  It’s bogged down, then, by a lot of attempts at character moments.  This is not in and of itself a bad thing; no show can survive on spectacle for very long.  But, instead of being quick and zippy, the character dynamics are leaden and dull.  Brolin doesn’t serve as good of a ringer as I had thought; he’s not in it much and he seems a little checked out.  I wanted simultaneously more and less from this show.

Alas, it didn’t matter for long; “Extreme” aired its final episode on April 6th, 1995, and into the memory hole it went, at least until “snowymatrix thru-walker” uploaded it to YouTube.  Thanks, again!

SUPER BOWL XXX

Show: “Friends”

Episode: “The One After the Super Bowl” (Season 2, Episodes 12 & 13)

Aired: January 28, 1996

Network: NBC

Special Guest Stars: Brooke Shields, Chris Isaak, Julia Roberts, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Fred Willard, Dan Castellaneta

The one that instantly changed what could be done with the post-Super Bowl real estate.  Unlike the halftime show, the lessons here were also learned immediately; from here, we enter a very long period where networks leveraged this spot to raise the profile of shows that were already quite hot, stuffing as many guest stars into the proceedings as they possibly could. 

“The One After the Super Bowl” is an hour-long episode that is effectively two half-hours stitched together.  The first half centers around a Joey Tribbiani stalker (played by Brooke Shields, who gets a palpable audience pop during her entrance that almost none of the other guest stars do) who doesn’t understand that he’s not actually a doctor in real life.  This is the kind of rock-stupid character gag that should be frustrating; if she thinks soap operas are real, one wonders how she’s able to turn the TV on in the first place.  But for some reason, “Friends” is just barely able to make this work, perhaps because this version of New York is so comically heightened already.  Shields’ commitment to the bit helps, too; this apparently was enough to convince NBC to scoop her up to launch “Suddenly Susan” later that year.

The second half finds our Friends crew on a Jean-Claude Van Damme film set, where Joey tries to suck up to the PA in order to land a role.  On this set, Chandler runs into an old friend (Julia Roberts), who he hadn’t seen since he embarrassed her in front of the entire assembly in elementary school.  It’s obvious from the jump why she’s suddenly so interested in reconnecting with him, so the punchline isn’t all that funny but, frankly, the sheer novelty of seeing prime Julia Roberts on a fucking network sitcom forgives a lot.

The whole episode is kind of like this.  We see Phoebe date a schoolteacher, who’s played by Chris Isaak.  I didn’t think he was that good, but…it’s fucking Chris Isaak, you know?  The storyline that connects the episode’s two halves concerns Ross’ pursuit to reconnect with his monkey Marcel*; this leads him to the San Diego Zoo, where he runs into a zookeeper and a groundskeeper.  They’re played by Fred Willard and Dan Castellaneta, respectively.  Just two stone cold comedy legends coming in to do maybe five lines each.

*If you haven’t picked up on it yet, I’m somewhat of a Friends skeptic.  I’ve watched a good handful of episodes, and there are probably four or five lines that roll around in my brain and make me giggle, but I’ve never fully warmed up to it.  However, shit like Marcel the monkey sort of gets to the heart of what I think can be lovingly goofy about the show.  Why does Ross have a pet monkey?  Fuck you, that’s why.

“The One After the Super Bowl” isn’t the best episode I’ve watched in this project.  It’s not even the best episode of “Friends” I’ve ever seen.  But, it doesn’t need to be.  What it’s trying to be is a flex, a warning to the rest of the television landscape.  The central message is “We can pull prime broadcast slots and innumerous guest stars like it’s fucking nothing.  Good luck.”  And in that sense, the numbers don’t lie.  Nearly 53 million viewers (about half of the Super Bowl audience) stuck around to watch this episode; no other lead-out program has ever really come close.  “Friends” wasn’t even done with its second season yet and it was already unstoppable.

SUPER BOWL XXXI

Show: “The X-Files”

Episode: “Leonard Betts” (Season 4, Episode 12)

Aired: January 26, 1997

Network: FOX

FOX has entered the chat, ladies and gentlemen!  It turns out that the former fledgling network had managed to wrap up their inaugural Super Bowl broadcast with a banger, for my money a Mount Rushmore post-Super Bowl episode.

To some degree, selecting “The X-Files” was FOX taking the gauntlet thrown down by NBC the year before and running with it.  Where “The X-Files”’ peak was during its near-decade long initial run is somewhat debatable, but mid-Season Four was as good a choice as any.  The show was regularly clearing 20 million viewers a week, huge for the new-ish FOX network.  Its cultural cache was likely even higher than that, with its fandom beginning to popularize this thing called “Internet message boards”.  A feature film was already in the works.  They even cameo’ed on “The Simpsons” two weeks prior.  Relative to its genre nature, “The X-Files” was humongous.

To another degree, though, “Leonard Betts” eschews the glitz and glamour that the post-Super Bowl spot could now afford a television show, sticking to the basics.  They wisely stick to its famous “Monster of the Week episode” format (as opposed to its infamous “Mythology episode” format), giving us one of the stickier, memorably gooier villains the show had ever had.  Yet, Betts remains wildly sympathetic, a feat largely built off the back of its main guest star, Paul McCrane.  You watch him murder people who have been nothing but friendly to him, yet you can’t help but feel for him as he undergoes his many painful, brutal transformations.  

The move to keeping the episode to the basics allows potential new viewers to get oriented to the crucial dynamic between Mulder and Scully, and if ever there were a good example of the magic between David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, it’d be “Leonard Betts”.  Mulder is in prime “what if this brutal crime was being committed by this made-up creature in this totally insane way” mode, matched only by Scully’s peak exasperation.  And, hey, you would be, too.  Imagine if you trained rigorously and studiosly, only to be paired with a coworker who was constantly like “hey what if this mugging was done by the Chupacabra” and he was right 80% of the time?

The brilliance of “Leonard Betts”, though, comes in a small moment right at the end.  It’s established that Leonard stays alive by eating the cancer out of his victims.  So, when his interests suddenly turn on Scully, meekly telling her, “you have something I need”?  We have perhaps the most perfectly crafted hook in this entire project.  As a theoretical new viewer, seeing what the show is typically like before being hit with the potential of what it could become…you bet I’d be watching the next week.

(The punchline, of course, is that the next episode, “Never Again”, was an infamous stinker.  Alas!)

SUPER BOWL XXXII

Show: “3rd Rock From the Sun”

Episode: “36!  24!  36!  Dick!” (Season 3, Episodes 14 & 15)

Aired: January 25, 1998

Network: NBC

Special Guest Stars: Cindy Crawford, Angie Everhart, Greg Gumbel

“3rd Rock From the Sun” is not a show I dabbled in much, either as a kid or now.  It just wasn’t on my radar, and the rare glimpses I did get made me slightly uncomfortable.  This “Coneheads”-esque sitcom about aliens trying to integrate into human society just had an undefinable strange energy that I just didn’t vibe with.

This episode, though, does hold a place in my heart, at least sort of.  Super Bowl XXXII (Denver vs. Green Bay) was the first Super Bowl I ever watched, and it was an uncommon family gathering to boot (we would never do it again).  I remember the ads for this episode running constantly throughout the afternoon and, again, the strange energy was not something I wanted to fuck with.  So, actually seeing the episode felt like taking on an old enemy of sorts.

Look, I don’t have a ton to say about it!  I still think “3rd Rock” is weird!  I’m not quite in love with John Lithgow the way everyone else seems to be; I don’t despise him or anything, but he’s always seemed like the bagged cereal version of a “faux British aesthetic” guy.  The episode’s plotline is almost childishly simple (girls have come into town and everyone is horny), yet maddeningly over-complicated (the girls turn out to be from Venus and are here to broadcast a beer commercial during the Super Bowl that will make everyone weak and compliant, allowing Venus to take all of the stuff from Earth).  I also think I experience cognitive dissonance from seeing Wayne Knight play such a huge role in a different NBC sitcom from the 90’s.

There are positives: I was stunned at how much I liked Kirsten Johnson, someone I hadn’t really been exposed to all that much.  I thought French Stewart does a pretty good job with the “confident dumb guy” act.  It’s always nice to see Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Jane Curtin. Finally, I give points for utilizing the Super Bowl itself as part of the action. Still, I have to wonder if this is another example of the “event mega-episode stuffed with celebrity guests” being a poor fit for what is, at its core, a show that is happy to just be light and silly.  “36! 24! 36! Dick!” then may not be the most representative episode for “3rd Rock”.

I’ll close with this.  What’s up with NBC and “3” shows?  “3rd Rock From the Sun”!  “30 Rock!” “Third Watch!”  As a famous network sitcom star was fond of saying, “what’s the deal?”

SUPER BOWL XXXIII

Show: “Family Guy”

Episode: “Death Has a Shadow” (Season 1, Episode 1)

Aired: January 31, 1999

Network: FOX

We end the 90’s with an animation two-hander from FOX.  First up, the series premiere of “Family Guy”.

Although I had a long period in my mid-twenties or so where I found “Family Guy” a tired and creaky vehicle for shock humor, I initially got in with Seth MacFarlane’s magnum opus on the ground floor.  Let it be known I was one of the twelve people watching it in the early 00’s as it was caught in the patented FOX death spiral of being aired seemingly at random throughout the year.  I was there way before everyone else found it either on DVD or on Adult Swim, and it is genuinely flabbergasting to me that it’s still cranking out new episodes to this day.  “Family Guy” has survived a lot of opposition to weirdly become this comedy institution, even as it’s essentially refused to adapt or evolve with changing audience tastes.

It’s a trip, then, to return to its very first episode, which has the energy of a writer’s room that’s suddenly been empowered to just put every funny thought they’ve ever had onto the page.  There are a nearly infinite amount of punchlines constantly coming at you throughout its brief twenty-two minutes, almost as if they sensed the network wasn’t going to support them for very long.  The pilot episode is borderline exhausting, although I should mention it’s frequently very funny.  Jerry Seinfeld as a court jester!  The Kool-Aid Man busting through the walls!  “Just one gun”!  I laughed quite a bit!  I guess I’ve come back around to “Family Guy”.

The only thing kind of odd about “Death Has a Shadow” is that they clearly hadn’t hammered out Peter’s friend group yet, nor the full character dynamics.  We briefly see Quagmire, and we see in the background a black guy who is clearly going to become Cleveland.  But there’s no Joe Swanson, at least not yet.  Seth Green’s voice for Chris isn’t quite right, either, still too much like its Buffalo Bill inspiration.  And Lacey Chabert is voicing Meg, who the family isn’t horrifically rude to yet.  But the commitment to non-sequitur absurdism was there from the jump.  This was fun!

(As before, points to the episode for directly involving the Super Bowl, as well as caricatures of John Madden and Pat Summerall.)

Show: “The Simpsons”

Episode: “Sunday, Cruddy Sunday”

Aired: January 31, 1999

Network: FOX

Whereas “Family Guy” was still being birthed, here we catch “The Simpsons” in its slow exit from its prime.  “Sunday, Cruddy Sunday” is located right in the middle of its tenth season, maybe a year or two removed from what is generally considered the show’s golden years.  You can feel that slight loss of fastball in this episode; the punchlines aren’t as constant, and the ones that are there are maybe 5% less sharp as you typically associate with The Simpsons.  It also suffers from my least favorite trope: guest stars either getting announced, or announcing themselves (“I’m Dolly Parton!” or “Wow, it’s Dan Marino!”, that sort of thing, you know, the way people talk).

But!  It’s still a successful and funny outing, with a great sad-sack guest appearance by the late Fred Willard.  I also have to give the same points I gave “Family Guy” for also directly involving the Big Game itself, with significant extra credit for actually landing Madden and Summerall to play themselves.  That nicely offsets the glowing cameo they provide to the head of the network himself, Rupert Murdoch (also voiced by himself).  Of the two “Simpsons” Super Bowl episodes, this is clearly the superior.

24-Hours of Halloween Marathon III!

When I was a child, I was obsessed with holiday programming.

There was always a little thrill I got by going through the December TV Guides and identifying when certain Christmas specials were going to be on, the old and familiar (Rudolph!  Frosty!  Garfield!) alongside the new and untested (FOX’s 1999 special, Olive, The Other Reindeer!).  I should make it clear I didn’t necessarily watch everything that was on; even in the responsibility-free first decade of my life, how could I possibly pull that off?  But I liked knowing that the options were there.  A whole month’s worth of programming at my fingertips, even if just in “capsule description” forms.

It got to the point where I started cutting out newspaper listings and TV Guide pages and glued them to pieces of paper (yes, a literal manual “cut-and-paste” job) in order to create my very own Holiday Programming Guide, organized by date, time and channel.  That way, if one were ever so inclined, they could use this as a way to stay on top of all the different Christmas offerings; how else could you be reminded that 1997’s The Online Adventures of Ozzie the Elf was about to be on?  It should be mentioned that the applicability of this guide was always theoretical; even if some other kid or adult had been genuinely interested in using it to plan their prime-time hours accordingly, I only made one for myself and I wasn’t going to be giving it up.  

The concept of building a hypothetical programming block of holiday episodes, movies, and various miscellany never completely went away for me.  In both 2019 and 2020, back in an earlier iteration of this space, I developed a list of Halloween programming, enough to fit an entire 24-hour block, with the general idea being that, were someone so inclined, they could follow along with it and have the spooky spirit all day long.  Again, the usage is theoretical; to my knowledge, nobody has ever taken the offer up (almost as if most people can’t stay up to 4 or 5 am on a work night on a whim).  

After a few years off, I thought it’d be fun to resurrect this series from the dead!!!  What follows is exactly 24 hours worth of Halloween content from all across the decades.  Halloween is on a Thursday this year, so my recommendation is just to kick your Friday work day in the ass, enjoy the marathon and sleep in the next day.  In general, the idea is that the mood should slide from tame and family-friendly to more deranged as the night goes on.  Oh, and to add to the challenge, no double-dipping from previous years!  You can enjoy either the 2019 or 2020 editions to see what’s now off-limits.

To the list!

6:00 AM - 7:00 AM: Retro Halloween commercials! (YouTube)

As per tradition, we kick things off with a YouTube-curated hour of older Halloween commercials.  Much like the 2019 marathon, this one has a nice blend of 70’s, 80’s and 90’s advertisements, allowing for different generations to point at a dopey Lucky Charms commercial or RC Cola ad and go, “ah, the objectively best childhood was mine and mine alone!”  So as you enjoy your first cup of coffee/tea/whiskey this Halloween morning, please also enjoy the nice warm drug that is nostalgia (please use responsibly!).  Hey, is that a Spin City promo?  I remember that show!

7:00 AM - 7:30 AM: IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN! (Apple TV)

Hey, I’ve somehow managed to never include any of the classic cartoon specials we’ve all grown up with in one of these!  I’m gonna go ahead and cash in on those now in order to provide you a Saturday morning cartoon feel to your morning.  First, let’s start with the famous 1966 Peanuts Halloween story, IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN, CHARLIE BROWN, where Linus sticks his neck out by expressing his weird beliefs to his friends, followed by his friends treating him like an asshole for it the entire time, culminating in Linus spending his entire night waiting for a messiah that never arrives.  The whole “Great Pumpkin” aspect of Linus’ personality is no doubt an intentional message about how sometimes having faith in something larger than yourself opens you up to criticism (but you gotta do it anyway), but goddamn, is this sometimes a frustrating watch.  Sally Brown, whose whole thing is having a crush on Linus, gets an opportunity to hang out with Linus all night in a pumpkin patch waiting for the Great Pumpkin, the kind of thing that usually becomes a core memory for young kids.  But then she starts screaming at him about wasting her Halloween night once it’s clear the Great Pumpkin doesn’t show.  These hoes aren’t loyal!

The B-plot involves Charlie Brown going out to trick-or-treat and receiving rocks instead of candy from, presumably, the adults in town.  It’s a fantastic illustration of Charlie’s “born loser” quality, but I’ve always been fascinated about the implications of this turn of events.  Do people in the unspecified town that the Peanuts gang lives in have rocks in their home just ready to go?  Was this a coordinated attack against this one eight-year old kid?  What did Charlie do to everybody?  Did he call in a bomb threat to the school or something?  What’s wrong with everyone?

You know what, actually, fuck IT’S THE GREAT PUMPKIN.  From 7:00 am to 7:30 am, watch this compilation of spooky Looney Tunes cartoons instead.  Nobody getting screamed at for holding harmless outside opinions in any of these!

7:30 AM - 8:00 AM: GARFIELD’S HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE! (PEACOCK)

One of these days, I’ll do the Big Garfield Article (don’t get too excited), in order to fully explain the weird way in which Jim Davis’ most famous creation has haunted me my entire life; in short, however, what it amounts to is that as a kid, I enjoyed the flabby tabby way too much and nobody in my life has ever let me forget it, despite now being in my mid-thirties.  Such is existence.

As a result of that childhood love, however, I’ve probably seen Garfield’s Halloween adventure more times than I’ve seen any other October special.  It’s likely the Monday-hating cat’s best holiday outing due to its superior songs (“This is the Night” and “Scaredy Cat” are top-tier Halloween tracks), classic Garfield antics (saying “gimme” instead of “Trick or Treat”?  What won’t this rapscallion do?), and its willingness to get legitimately scary from time to time, at least as far as kids’ programming goes; the old man in the house still kind of unnerves me to this day.

Besides its basic plot being remarkably similar to John Carpenter’s THE FOG, I think the thing I always remember about GARFIELD’S HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE is its music.  Lou Rawls is a really fucking funny choice for Garfield’s singing voice, especially since sometimes Garfield just sings in his Lorenzo Music character voice (like in “What Will I Be?”), but it’s an iconic choice regardless.  He has a gorgeous baritone that adds a lot of class to what is essentially an 80’s cash-in special.  And nobody is giving fucking rocks to our characters!

8:00 AM - 10:00 AM: OVER THE GARDEN WALL (Hulu)

A Cartoon Network mini-series from 2014 that I wish had existed when I was growing up, OVER THE GARDEN WALL is a ten-part whimsical animated tribute to both the retro animation styles of the 30’s and 40’s, as well as the beauty of the fall season.  It’s also arguably an existential trip to a dreamscape?  At its center is a celebrity performance from Elijah Wood, who’s pretty good (Elijah Good) as Wirt, but for my money, the star of the show is surprisingly nine-year old Collin Dean as Wirt’s brother Greg (although two close runners-up are Melanie Lynskey as the bluebird Beatrice and Christopher Lloyd as the mysterious Woodsman).

The songs are all lovely and cozy, the color palette gives off immaculate autumnal vibes, and its sort-of-twist near the end of the show (although I would refer to it as more contextual than a total rug pull) provides all kinds of implications as to the overall meaning of OVER THE GARDEN WALL.  What a beautiful way to spend your Halloween morning.

10:00 AM - 10:30 AM: THE SCOOBY-DOO PROJECT (YouTube)

I’m now pulling this marathon into a slightly different direction, although we’re still definitively in the “original Cartoon Network content” zone.  

Waaaay back on Halloween Night 1999, Cartoon Network broadcast a Scooby-Doo marathon that mostly consisted of episodes of The Scooby-Doo and Scrappy Doo Show, a far cry from their epic 25-hour marathon of the original Scooby-Doo, Where Are You? cartoon in 1995.  To up the ante, a series of original shorts aired throughout the 1999 marathon starring our Mystery Machine gang.  These shorts, when taken collectively, was known as The Scooby-Doo Project, a direct parody of the then-smash sensation THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

When I say direct, I mean direct.  Scooby and pals get lost in the woods, they end up in that fucking house at the end, Shaggy is even standing in the corner and everything, it’s heavily implied they’re all now missing…it’s surprisingly hair-raising when juxtaposed against the meta-nature of its humor and bright presentation.  In some ways, The Scooby-Doo Project putting classic cartoons into mature situations is what eventually led to Adult Swim.

I actually wrote about this thing a few years ago if you’re in the mood for a more complete write-up.  As far as this morning goes, it’s only about 20 minutes, so this gives you a little breathing room to pee or something.

10:30 AM - 11:00 AM: FUTURAMA Season 2, Episode 18 - “The Honking” (Hulu)

If I’m being honest, I’m stretching the definition of a Halloween episode juuuust a tiny bit in order to plug a thirty-minute hole here.  Strictly speaking, FUTURAMA never had an official Halloween episode during its classic run (Christmas was always more of its jam).  But this episode, in which Bender gets bitten by a werecar, is close enough for blogging work.  It takes its beats pretty directly from the classic WOLFMAN movies, there’s an act-one pitstop in a haunted house, the title is a pun on THE HOWLING…it counts!  There’s just no robot jack-o-lanterns or space trick or treaters or whatever.  I hope your heart isn’t broken.

11:00 AM - 12:00 PM: AMERICAN DAD Two-Pack! (Hulu)

One of the arcs of my life from teenager to twenty-something to thirty-something is my embrace of the Seth MacFarlane canon, then my subsequent rejection, followed by my tearful return.  A cartoon like Family Guy is the kind of thing you enjoy as a young teenage edgelord, then recognize it for the lowbrow shock-humor that it is, before eventually going, “you know?  A little Family Guy ain’t so bad.”

So it goes with the other major MacFarlane animated show, the arguably superior American Dad!, a series that has a real one-note premise (isn’t mid-00’s American jingoism fucking insane?), but has managed to leverage that into a nice universe of slightly surreal, yet character-based, comedy.  Although it’s usually pretty reliable for Christmas content, its Halloween output is a little more sporadic.  Still, I think these two episodes help you get that spooky flavor:

Season 6, Episode 3 - “Best Little Horror House in Langley Falls”

After years of being known for the best haunted house display in the neighborhood, Stan and Francine have to up the ante when a new Imagineer neighbor starts horning in on their territory.  Their million dollar idea: bring in a bunch of actual serial killers and set them loose inside their house (look, I give credit where it’s due…pretty spooky idea).  My wife and I have been quoting the navigation system of their neighbor’s spooky car for years (“at the corner, take a fright!”)

Season 12, Episode 9 - “The Witches of Langley”

Do you like THE CRAFT?  Do you like reminiscing about 90’s music?  Do I have the episode for you!  Steve Smith and his pals take up witchcraft in order to reclaim their lunch table at school.  Like all things boys take up, it leads them to becoming buttholes and menaces to their communities.  Meanwhile, Stan and Klaus start a podcast where they literally just list off the names of 90s bands they can remember, in one of the more searing indictments of the podcasting medium I can think of.  

12:00 PM - 1:15 PM: FRANKENSTEIN (1931) (Peacock, The Criterion Channel)

1:15 PM - 2:30 PM: BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935) (Peacock, The Criterion Channel)

I’ve been having a blast the last couple of Halloweens slowly making my way through the vast Classic Universal Monsters series, which contains all kinds of things people don’t typically associate with the Draculas, Wolfmans and Creatures from the Black Lagoons, including Edgar Allen Poe adaptations, offbeat sequels, and outright comedies, including Abbott and Costello crossovers.  But, this afternoon, we’re going to stick with a couple of classics, the opening entries for my personal favorite Universal Monster, Frankenstein!

First up, 1931’s FRANKENSTEIN, which gives us the introduction to Boris Karloff’s monster, Colin Clive’s scientist (who gets the classic “It’s alive!” soundbite), James Whale’s confident humanistic direction, and the gorgeous, gorgeous sets.  There is a ton of memorable and iconic imagery in the classic Universal horror films, but almost nothing sticks under your skin as much as the shot of a grieving father solemnly carrying the body of his drowned daughter through town.  It’s one of the greatest films ever made for a reason.

Naturally, we follow up immediately with its even more revered sequel, 1935’s BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.  In this one, James Whale gives us some Christ imagery, a nice camp performance from Ernest Thesiger, some colors of comedy (Frank smoking that pipe!) and an all-time efficiency performance from Elsa Lanchester as the titular bride (who, for the uninitiated, is not the movie as much as you might think).  We get some great Una O’Connor screaming for good measure.  It’s a bold direction for a sequel, especially considering they could have just had Frankenstein go nuts on a town again and called it a day.

Many other FRANKENSTEIN sequels are worthy of your attention as well, including 1939’s SON OF FRANKENSTEIN (which replaces James Whale with Rowland Lee and manages to basically not lose a step at all).  But loading this whole section up with old FRANKENSTEIN movies would be a bit of a cheat, wouldn’t it?  It’s tempting, though.  There are a lot of them, especially when you start including the British Hammer Frankenstein flicks.  Maybe next year?

2:30 PM - 4:00 PM - BOB’S BURGERS Mini-Marathon! (Hulu)

BOB’S BURGERS has long been a comfort watch for me.  I wouldn’t call myself a super-fan or anything, but its efficient and satisfying style of comedy makes it come in handy whenever I need something to lift my spirits for thirty minutes.  It’s also a cartoon series that completely and fully leans into seasonal episodes, be it Christmas, Thanksgiving or, luckily for our sakes, Halloween.  There are literally almost a dozen Halloween episodes to choose from, so the only hard part here was choosing which three to go with to fill this ninety-minute slot.  Here’s what I landed on:

Season 6, Episode 3: “The Hauntening”

In which the Belchers do their damnedest to scare the completely unscareable Louise.  There are a lot of memorable quotes in this one (including a moment of lucidity from Gene regarding childhood in the face of certain doom), but I was frankly hooked from the opening scene in which Teddy gets repeatedly scared by the same dancing witch animatronic.

Season 9, Episode 4: “Nightmare on Ocean Avenue Street”

In which the Belcher kids determine the identity of a rogue gorilla-costumed candy-stealer on Halloween night.  This one is great if only because of the escalating decoration war Bob and Teddy find themselves in with the store-front next door.

Season 7, Episode 3 “Teen-a Witch”

In which Tina starts dabbling in witchcraft in order to get revenge on Tammy for stealing her sand-witch costume idea.  As what happens with such dabblings, she lets the power go to her head, casting spells on anybody that wrongs her.  Has she met her match when a crossing guard curses her right back?  Watch along to find out, and enjoy a guest performance from Billy Eichner for your trouble.

4:00 PM - 5:30 PM: THE FOG (1980) (Amazon Prime)

I think late Halloween afternoons are for ghost stories (or at least this one is), and one of my favorites is John Carpenter’s HALLOWEEN follow-up, THE FOG.  It’s not really anywhere near as frightening as that initial Michael Myers story, nor is it as skin-crawling as other Carpenter classics like PRINCE OF DARKNESS.  What THE FOG is is remarkably cozy, at least as far as a story about ghost sailors returning to a small town to claim their gold can be.  The reason for that might be as simple as its Bay Area setting; Antonio Bay may be a fictional town, but considering most of the exterior location shooting took place in Marin County, one can do the math.

Besides its basic plot being remarkably similar to that of GARFIELD’S HALLOWEEN ADVENTURE, I think the thing I always remember about THE FOG is the beautiful radio station built inside the town lighthouse, where Adrienne Barbeau broadcasts her show out of.  It turns out to serve a crucial purpose in the movie’s story, where our ghost antagonists first make their presence known, but even if THE FOG had never left this set, I would have been happy.  More movies taking place in oddly located radio stations!  

The movie also includes Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom Atkins, Hal Holbrook and an all-time Carpenter-penned theme.  Snuggle up and get lost in THE FOG!

5:30 PM - 6:30 PM: THE X-FILES - “BAD BLOOD” (Hulu)

Pulling an episode from THE X-FILES for a Halloween episode is kind of cheating; technically, almost any random hour of the seminal sci-fi show could be a “Halloween” episode.  But this fifth-season episode is the one my wife and I always throw on during the actual night of October 31st, because it’s kind of the show in microcosm.  The conceit is not a terribly original one, and one you would be familiar with if you’ve ever seen RASHOMON (or even a parody of RASHOMON).  Scully and Mulder both debrief the spooky events of the night before, and it turns out their recollections greatly differ.  

BUT, in that classic X-FILES fashion, the writing is so fucking sharp (the various differences are fun to discover), it features a fantastic dual guest performance from none other than Luke Wilson and, most of all, it all centers so precisely around the two characters that made the show what it was: Fox Mulder and Dana Scully.  Yeah, they’re the leads, but their characters were so defined a half-decade in, both by David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson and by the elite writing staff Chris Carter had built.  The way Mulder and Scully process and visualize their previous night’s adventure is so fun because it’s so them.  BAD BLOOD is a good time!

6:30 PM - 6:45 PM: Music Video Break (YouTube)

I wanted to quickly shove this segment in to remind you all that sometimes Halloween goodness can be found in unexpected places.  To that end, here are two music videos from two different bands in two different eras that decided to hauntify their decidedly not-scary hit songs.  

“Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” - Backstreet Boys

Those who were hooked into popular music in 1997 are probably already well aware of this, but for the rest of us, this is my opportunity to inform you that one of Backstreet Boys’ biggest hits of all time has a “haunted house” music video.  Its inspirations are many: there’s some Thriller in the choreography, BSB’s costumes seem vaguely Universal Monster-inspired (Wolfman, Phantom of the Opera and the Mummy), and although the mansion it’s shot in was allegedly the one used in 1995’s CASPER, it felt to me more like if the EYES WIDE SHUT house had opened up an all-ages venue in one of its less-used wings.  Best of all, Antonio Fargas, Huggy Bear himself, plays their bus driver.  Is this music video sexual?  Yeaaaaah!

“Doing It All for My Baby” - Huey Lewis and the News

If you have even a cursory knowledge of 80’s pop hits, you’re familiar with this Huey Lewis mainstay.  But, did you know this song, seemingly about a man who’s so in love with the woman he’s with that he’s made himself a better man in order to give her the best version of himself, is actually about Frankenstein and his Bride?  I bet you didn’t, but you’ll be set straight after one watch of this music video.

More of a mini-movie than a music video, “Doing it All for My Baby” gives us Huey Lewis doing his best Peter Sellers impression, performing no less than three roles, as Dr. Frankenstein, Frankenstein’s Monster, and his scariest role of all (if the Bride’s reaction is anything to go by), Huey Lewis.  There’s absolutely no reason for this to be a big spooky movie tribute, but it is.  What a stupid little joy.  No Huggy Bear in this one, though.

6:45 PM - 7:15 PM: WANDAVISION - “ALL NEW HALLOWEEN SPOOKTACULAR!” (Disney Plus)

It remains fascinating to me how quickly the Marvel Cinematic Universe became cooked, especially relative to how long it was dominant in the pop culture zeitgeist.  Part of the issue was that the various franchises reached a level of saturation that was unsustainable, both in terms of quality assurance and audience enthusiasm.  This was accelerated by its expansion into the streaming television space, churning out multiple miniseries for the past couple of years, some of which have hit (Loki, Hawkeye), and some of which have heavily tarnished the brand (Secret Invasion).

In some ways, though, the MCU’s first official TV show* was its best.  Although people complain about WandaVision’s ending, and gripe about its awkward fit into the second Doctor Strange movie, the star vehicle for Elizabeth Olson and Paul Bettany benefited from a real “right place, right time” bump.  Premiering close to the one-year anniversary of the COVID-19 pandemic, the TV show doubled as a tribute to other TV shows, the kind that people had undoubtedly been burrowing into during lockdown.  I Love Lucy.  Bewitched.  The Brady Bunch.  Full House.  The Office.  

*Especially since the actual first and best MCU TV show has appeared to have been completely forgotten about in terms of canonicity.

Or, in the case of “All-New Halloween Spooktacular!”, Malcolm in the Middle.  It’s featured here not just because it’s a random Halloween-themed episode (okay, it’s technically the exclusive reason it’s being featured, but you know what I mean), but because it’s probably WandaVision’s best outing.  Some of the show’s television homages don’t ever elevate beyond broad parody (some of the sixties stuff doesn’t feel quite right), but it feels right at home emulating late 90’s-early 00’s style sitcoms.  The bouncy incidental music, the cutaways, the deep holiday branding…it’s a lovely homage that also manages to push the show’s plot into exciting directions.  It probably helps to have seen the prior episodes, and be somewhat familiar with the MCU as a whole, but the “All-New Halloween Spooktacular” can be taken on its own off of holiday vibes alone.  

7:15 PM - 7:45 PM: I THINK YOU SHOULD LEAVE DOUBLE HEADER! (Netflix)

Tim Robinson is a modern entertainer I’d expected to be more divisive than he’s turned out to be; his brand of comedy is fairly specific, and is dependent on social awkwardness, shifts in demeanor, and a lot of yelling and swearing.  I’m sure there have been plenty of folks that have fired up his cult hit sketch series I Think You Should Leave on Netflix and immediately went, “nope, not for me”.  But for the most part, people seem to love him, including me.

The beautiful thing about his show is that more sketches than you’d think touch on holiday trappings, even if somewhat superficially; there are at least three that would be right at home in a Christmas marathon.  To that end, there are a few episodes that contain sketches that could arguably be considered “Halloween” themed.  Tonight, you get just two, but they’re goddamn good ones, and fairly representative of I Think You Should Leave as a whole.

Season 1, Episode 5: “I’m Wearing One of Their Belts Right Now”

There’s an argument to be made that this is the strongest batch of sketches I Think You Should Leave ever put together.  It opens with the famous hot dog car scene, which has been immortalized as a meme that you’ve almost certainly seen whiz by your social media feed sometime in the last five years.  It also contains a centerpiece Patti Harrison sketch, and the wonderfully unhinged “the babysitter was late” sketch.  But the reason it makes this list is the equally meme-immortalized “Night Robert Palins Murdered Me” song.  It may not necessarily be Halloween-themed, but…look, the guy asked for something spooky, okay?

Season 2, Episode 1: “They said that to me at a dinner.”

A confident season debut that gave us the instant classic “Coffin Flop” sketch, which in an of itself could qualify as Halloween content if you squint your eyes.  But, no, this episode gets the nod due to its concluding ghost tour sketch which, yes, rests a lot of its initial laurels on the shock of talking about cum and jizz.  But, in that signature Tim Robinson way, he makes this awkward and uncomfortable guy approach something resembling sympathy by the end.  He was confused about the rules!  He was just trying to make friends!

7:45 PM - 9:45 PM: THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (Amazon Prime)

In the primetime slot, let’s throw on one of the best movies of the nineties, period, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS!  It’s one I gave the full article treatment to in an earlier iteration of this blog, in case you were interested in a full review.  Needless to say, however, that it’s a movie that launched thousands of painfully unfunny people nationwide doing their “fava beans and a nice chianti” impressions in front of thousands of very patient co-workers and classmates.  Of course, Anthony Hopkins’ performance here is the stuff of Hollywood legend (although I’ve always been more of a Brian Cox guy),  but what makes SILENCE OF THE LAMBS endure for me is the beautiful characterization of Clarice (and the quiet, simmering performance by Jodie Foster), and the way Jonathan Demme’s direction and Ted Tally’s script are interested in her seeming infiltration into a male-dominated world.  The reason her scenes with Hopkins are so potent is that, ultimately, Hannibal is the only one to treat Clarice as an equal.

Spooky, thought-provoking, classic.  What better film to serve as the centerpiece of this Halloween marathon?

9:45 PM - 12:00 AM: THE EXORCIST (MAX)

Oh, yeah, that might be a better film.

Arguably one of the best movies, period, THE EXORCIST is obviously scary as fuck if you believe in hell and the devil; it’s one of the most popular depictions of demon possession for a reason endures as a horror classic because it always remembers to make the terror personal.  The fear of trying to help a child who is becoming sick beyond recognition.  The fear that established science cannot help us.  The fear of not being there for a family member in their time of need.  The fear of being forever haunted by our regrets.  The fear of eventually receiving a legacy sequel that sucks so bad that your two follow-ups get canceled and forgotten about (okay, I’m editorializing on that one).  It’s a moody nightmare, made all the more chilling for how quiet it’s willing to be for most of its runtime.  It’s a great watch anytime of the year, but I can’t think of anything better to officially kiss October 31st goodbye.

12:00 AM - 2:00 AM: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET II: FREDDY’S REVENGE (1985) (MAX)

As we officially enter November 1st, we enter what I call the “insane stand-alone sequels to famous franchise” section.  I’m taking pitches for a catchier title.
I am of the belief that the first three Freddy Krueger flicks are essentially perfect for what they’re each attempting to be.  In a pinch, I’d pick NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 3: DREAM WARRIORS as the crown jewel of the entire franchise.  However, for a couple of reasons, I’m picking the oddball Part 2 to take the midnight slot of this marathon.  For one, it’s surprisingly stand-alone, putting the story of Nancy Thompson completely on hold to bring us the tale of Jesse Walsh.  For two, FREDDY’S REVENGE is fucking bonkers.  We have a way-less jokey Krueger; he seemingly barely talks at all, a more fitting demeanor for the disgraced child murderer than the open mic night comedian we get from Part 4 on.  FREDDY’S REVENGE is also famously a thinly-disguised queer body horror tale which, considering this was released smack-dab in the middle of the Reagan era and the rise of HIV in America, makes it one of the gutsier 80’s slashers out there.  To that, er, end, it features Freddy killing the school coach by whipping his butt with a towel in the gym showers.  How could you turn it down?

2:00 AM - 3:30 AM-ish: HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH (1982) (Peacock)

HALLOWEEN is one of the longest running, most beloved horror franchises of all time, and the funny part is that there’s only, like, four entries I would refer to as “quality”.  The 1978 original is, of course, one of the greatest films ever made.  HALLOWEEN IV is kind of fun in a “return to the basics” kind of way.  I’m kind of a big fan of HALLOWEEN H20: 20 YEARS LATER, in all of its late-90’s glory.  And then, of course, there’s the much-aligned HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH.

Hated upon its release, with its decision to convert HALLOWEEN into an anthology series, rather than an ongoing Michael Myers saga, only serving to confuse more than anything else, I’m actually an advocate for its low-budget, grimy charm.  I can’t sit here and tell you to your face that it’s a good movie; when compared to the masterpiece that is the John Carpenter original, this one seems like a cheap exploitative excuse.  It features some bizarre acting, a sweaty lead performance from Tom Atkins, and one of the most gratuitous, sketchy sex scenes I can think of in a mainstream film.

But…consider how I first saw it.  I was over at a friend’s house, and we caught it running as a Sunday afternoon local station feature (when such a thing existed!).  I didn’t really understand it, and I remember being confused my my friend’s mom’s existence that this was, in fact, the original HALLOWEEN (although I was much too young to have known anything about the first HALLOWEEN, even at eleven years old, I strongly sensed that this movie about zombiefied Halloween masks could not possibly have been it).  But I remember being mesmerized by the Silver Shamrock jingle all the same.

Given that core memory, you’ll forgive me for having a soft spot for HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH, a movie that features zero witches.  It does feature a healthy dose of skepticism regarding the Irish, so how bad could it be?  Stay up and check it out, and enjoy its chilly, abrupt ending!

3:30 AM-ish - 6:00 AM: Herschell Gordon Lewis Double Feature! 

Let’s get weird and loose as we approach the final descent of this spooky flight.  I do not profess to be a connoisseur of the splatter king Herschell Gordon Lewis.  I have really only seen a tiny fraction of his sizable filmography, although a full deep dive is a perpetual entry on my cinema bucket list, so potent to me is his unique mix of zero-budget, education film reel aesthetic, stiff 50’s style acting and creatively irresponsible gore stunts.  His stuff is practically made for the twilight hours of the marathon.  Check out:

BLOOD FEAST (1963) (Tubi, Kanopy)

Coming in at a brisk 67 minutes, I still haven’t stopped thinking about this nasty, loopy little thing since first watching it a few years ago.  Shot in four days, BLOOD FEAST features a real sheep’s tongue, a gloriously insane title card (where the already bloody typeset gets literally sprayed with more blood before your eyes), disastrous performances, and more discussion about Egyptian food than you might expect.  I’m sincere when I say it’s a must-watch.
TWO THOUSAND MANIACS! (1964) (Tubi)

In some senses, this other seminal Lewis work is even more unnerving to me than BLOOD FEAST.  Yes, TWO THOUSAND MANIACS feels more like an actual movie you could imagine being made by a human than BLOOD FEAST, but its story of a Southern hick town celebrating its centennial by torturing and murdering a car full of lost Yankees is plucking a string of anxiety unique to America.  Obviously, it’s wildly exaggerating, but it’s hard to deny that this is essentially what it feels like both the Northern and Southern United States think of each other.  Plus, it’s got a genuinely catchy opening song.  YEEEEEE-HAW!

6:00 AM - 7:00 AM: Take a power nap. The 28-day Thanksgiving marathon begins at 7:00 AM. First up, this YouTube rip of the 1995 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade….